LXF stickers and fridge magnets up for grabs

LXF


We're having a bit of a clear-out here at LXF Towers, and we've come across some goodies to give away. We have three sheets of stickers (readers loved these) and six boxes of fridge magnets. If you fancy some of these goodies, simply leave your best Linux joke in the comments below (tasteful, please!) and we'll choose the best in a week or so. Please also leave your email address in ROT13 format (to avoid spambots) so that we can contact winners for their addresses.

Go on -- make us laugh!

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Your comments

Ubuntu is a mystical African

Ubuntu is a mystical African word which means "I can't configure Debian".

farnyba89@tzk.pbz

Gnome sweet Gnome

A penguin is drinking at the bar when the barman says to him it is time to go home.
Penguin says he does not under stand that command.
So the barman says "sudu home.exe"
Penguin goes "Oh Gnome sweet Gnome".

Service Pack

Linux, the ultimate Windows service pack.

PulseAudio. hb@hbbh.vasb

PulseAudio.

hb@hbbh.vasb

joke

Microsoft gives you Windows... Linux gives you the whole house.

another bad joke

How many Richard Stallmans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. He refuses to change it until it is acknowledged as GNU/Lightbulb.

forgot my email address

jvyc4n@ubgznvy.pb.hx

Larsen

This is the story about Larsen.

Larsen had been using Windows since 95, playing Tomb Raider 2 on his P1 166mhz without mmx. His father updated the system to Windows 98, and Larsen got sad. It seems the game did not run so well on a 98. So Larsen upgraded is CD-ROM to a 16x, which enabled him to play Tomb Raider 2.

Years went with Larsens love for Tomb Raider 2, and so did his knowledge of Windows, at this time he is running Windows XP on his system, which he built himself. Larsen always talked about computer parts and computer games to show his knowledge to his friends.

Larsen deems himself a Computer Expert, he is running Vista on a custom made computer, always helping friends with blue problems and computer hardware.

Larsen stars working in a firm, that runs a lot of Windows Server 2003 computers, he is proud of his jobb, he knows the system so well he can fix any print spooler problems he encounters at help desk, installing servers goes quiet fast and he even remembers the license code.

Now Larsen wants to get a higher education so he can get better paid, and Larsen started at a University.

At the beginning Larsen always talked about computer hardware, games and how good the next windows version was going to be. He had some friends that shared the same enthusiasm, but only some.

The rest of the class had simple laptops, always running a black window with green text. Larsen did not know what this was, so he went up to his fellow classmate, sat besides him and started a friendly conversation.

"Hey!, i just got my new laptop, it's the brand new Eizor 15 inch with 1080p screen and quad core intel core i5 with 8 gb of ram", Larsen ranted.

His classmate shifted his view and looked at his computer, smiled a little and replied.

"It must be quit heavy to drag around, whats the battery life on that blocky beast?"

Larsen was not getting the praise he had gotten from his friends, he looked surprised at his classmate and replied.

" Battery life is not essential, i need it to play my games at max fps".

He then looked at the classmates computer, which was a simple "JP" and most likely a couple of years old.

"Do you even play games on that thing?, it probably has integrated graphics and other shitty parts!"

The other students started laughing out loud in the room, and Larsen felt very good on his counter comment. Little did he know that it was not why they were laughing.

His classmate felt bad about the laugh, so he tired to explain the reason for his computer.

"Most of us have an old laptop, and some of the new ones we buy aren't really made for gaming. Most of us don't even play games on our laptops anyways".

Larsen was surprised, and continued to listen to his explanation.

"We use our computers to study, we don't need a quad core to compile java, or to write essays or project reports. As long a the hardware is not hard to get running on Debian and has battery life and a nice screen resolution, that is most likely the computer i will buy".

Larsen was surprised, he had never though of a computer that way, it was always about performance and fame with his friends.

"Debian?" Larsen asked.

His fellow student showed Larsen his computer, "Debian is an Operating System....".

As his fellow student explained what is was, and showed how it worked, Larsen was intrigued by a free software world.

Larsen spent the entire weekend playing with Debian, even getting help from fellow students at his dorm.

Larsen now runs Debian, he has his own server and is also on irc.

Larsen is now a civilized person, he never brags out his computer skills and he always helps people if they ask.

Larsen still cries himself to sleep, remembering who he once were.

The End.

Cheers, My favorite Linux

Cheers,
My favorite Linux jokes have always been the command line jokes:
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ]

% got a light?
No match

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man: : Too many arguments

% sh $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

and one I saw on a tee-shirt:
If you look through windows you can see what people are doing. If you try to look through a penguin it will bite you.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't
--Bob
ewjvypbk@tznvy.pbz

Consulting Rule One

First rule of computer consulting:
Sell a customer a Linux computer and you'll eat for a day.
Sell a customer a Windows computer and you'll eat for a lifetime.

Just sums it up

Computers are like Air Conditioners, they stop working when you open Windows.

Who would you eat with?

The other day they asked me: "Who would eat with Pete?"

I replied: "Gandhi."

My friend said: "why?"

I replied: "More food for me."

- Petescan321

E-mail: petescan321@yahoo.com

I do this everyday!

My daily command list:
wine; talk; touch; unzip; touch; strip; gasp; finger; gasp; mount; fsck; more; yes; gasp; umount; make clean; sleep

I joke of course :P

rnfvyl.erzrzorerq@lnubb.pb.hx

Windows 7 - $89 OSX -

Windows 7 - $89
OSX - $69
GNU/Linux - Priceless.

pqfnaqoebbx@tznvy.pbz

Wigwam

Linux is like a wigwam: No gates, no windows, and an apache inside!

rspirgi@gmail.com

More Command Line humour

$ touch this
touch: cannot touch `this': Permission denied

blackisle@gmail.com

Still true 27 years later

If the designers of X-Windows built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful feature, that.

Oh god forget the email

cngevpxzpqbabhtu@yninovg.pbz

My original (inspired by the above):

If the designers of X-Windows built cars, you'd remote control it which would cause significant lag resulting in some crashes, any car could lock the entire road, and *you* wouldn't actually get anywhere... ever...

gvzba32@tznvy.pbz

correction, sry

"could lock the" make that "could block the"

I've read these jokes, none

I've read these jokes, none is funny, one is too long to read. So what do you say about that, isn't that funny as hell?

make love ?

$make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

Robert
eboregxbqevp@ubgznvy.pbz

Mr

I talked to a lady who´s in charge for the servers of a hospital which hosts 40 000 clients. So i asked her, "Do you use any Linux OS?"
"We use Microsoft OS and software she said"
"Well Linux is a great OS i said and excellent for servers i said."
She then asks me, "But can Linux do what MS can?" Looking very doubtfull.
I replied, "It can, and more."

-- Working with that kind of infrastructure and not being aware of Linux.

Keep the stickers, i´m only in it for the jokes :)

Very acidic

I saw this the other day. Not Linux specific, but close enough:

"There are two major products to come out of Berkeley, LSD and UNIX. We do not believe this to be a coincidence."

In Sweden - MicrosoftLand -

In Sweden - MicrosoftLand - during the long dark winternights you can hear the Windows server rebooting and rebooting while you hear the forlorn wailings of the service techs

revx-b.ratfgebz@gryvn.pbz

Re: In Sweden - MicrosoftLand

Er, that isn't a joke. In fact, most of these aren't jokes at all, just half-assed Microsoft bashing. And pretty dated too, like everyone was running Windows Me or something.

Up for Grabs

It's an amazing coincidence that Mike's leaving and some stickers and magnets turn up...

I wonder what else will turn up in his drawer...

He hasn't got Lord Lucan in there has he?

That could be done with so many FOSS Software ;)

A: Which editor do you use VIM or Emacs?
B: Emacs!

A: Great me too, XEmacs or GNU/Emacs?
B: GNU/Emacs

A: Heeey like me, GNU/Emacs with GTK or GNU/Emacs nox?
B: GTK

A: Whoaaa great buddy,me too, GNU/Emacs 22 with GTK or GNU/Emacs 23 with GTK?
B: 23!

A: Heeey what a coincidence, lets have some beer later! GNU/Emacs 23.2 with GTK or GNU/Emacs 23.3 with GTK?
B: 23.3

A: Unbelievable, like me, you don't have a sister have you!!! GNU/Emacs 23.3.0 with GTK or GNU/Emacs 23.3.1 with GTK
B: 23.3.1

A: How nice is that, we should definitely think about sharing an apartment buddy !!! GNU/Emacs 23.3.1 with GTK based on the distribution repository or GNU/Emacs 23.3.1 with GTK based on Bazaar repository
B: distribution repository

A: WHAT !!!! DAMN BETRAYER, BACKSTABBER, WANNABE LINUX USER....F*CK OFF

gbggvjntare@jro.qr

Penguins at the petrolstation

The other day when stopping for petrol. I saw a car next to me with two penguins in the back seat. The owner of the car was in front of me, in line at the cash register. And I wanted to say something about this obvious wrong situation... so I adressed him.

Me:
"Are those penguins yours?"

Man:
"Yes"

Me:
"Don't you think it's wrong to keep em in your car like that? You should take them to the zoo!"

Man:
"I guess you're right, I think I will do just that, thanks."

I felt good about myself, helping those poor penguins out. A couple of days later, at the same petrolstation. I see the same car with again(!) the two penguins in the back. Only this this time they are wearing sunglasses.

I look for the man, and adress him offcourse.

Me:
"Hey man, I thought you took the penguins to the zoo last week?!"

Man:
"I did! And today we're going to the beach!"

----------------------
guernqfubg@zr.pbz

Operating System Requirements

So, I was reading the software/hardware requirements that were listed for this program I downloaded one day. For the OS requirements it read "Must have Windows Vista or better". So of course I installed Linux!

fibaqenf@tznvy.pbz

Bloatware

Obesity... genetic code by Microsoft?

found /home

I allwais loved the simplicity of this one:

/home - sweet /home

wbuna.ohqu@tznvy.pbz

Recovery Disks

Why do windows computers no longer come with recovery disks?

Because Canonical mails them for free.

qnejvafheivibe@tznvy.pbz

no way

Paying RHEL $70,000 a year because you are too lazy to run yum update.

Binary

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those that understand binary and those that don't.

User

User error!

hzneunsrrm27@tznvy.pbz

A Penguin, a Gnome...

A penguin, a gnome and a gimp walk into a bar...

"Three pints of bitter, please" says the penguin.

The drinks arrive and the three start downing them straight away.

"That'll be £7.50 please" says the barman.

"You're round, Richard" says the penguin turning to the gnome.

"What?" says the gnome, "haven't you heard of 'free as in beer'?"

penguin73@hmamail.com

Obviously any similarity to any person living or dead is unintentional!

Hello my name is........

Hello My name is Steve

....Hi Steve

I came to this 12 step program because i did something dirty & deceitful that i can never forgive myself for...what i did hurt famlily alienated friends & makes it hard for me to face myself in the morning.

....Oh dear god Steve what did you do

Well...in 1999 i bought a copy of Corel Linux...i feel so ashamed.

Home

~ sweet ~

zvabaq.znepbf@tznvy.pbz

A Pict^H^H^H^HGeek Song

Bill never looks where he treads,
Always his heavy hooves fall
On our floppies, our hearts or our heads;
And Bill never heeds when we bawl.
His OEMs buy – that is all,
And we gather our kernels in hordes,
And patch and recompile them all,
With only our mice for our swords.

We are the Linux Folk – we!
Too little to love or to hate.
Leave us alone and you'll see
How Unix and freedom relate!
We have no worms 'neath our hood!
We are the ones who have root!
We own our tears and our blood!
We are the thorn in Bill's foot!

Mistletoe killing an oak –
Rats gnawing cables in two –
Moths making holes in a cloak –
How they must love what they do!
Yes – and we Linux Folk too,
We are as busy as they –
Writing our source in plain view –
Watch, and you'll run it some day!

No indeed! We are not strong,
But we know servers that are.
Yes, and we'll help them along,
To stay up and do what they're for!
We shan't be slaves to your game,
Users should never be slaves,
But you – you may rant, troll and flame,
Till some day we'll dance on your graves!

We are the Linux Folk – we!
Too little to love or to hate.
Leave us alone and you'll see
How Unix and freedom relate!
We have no worms 'neath our hood!
We are the ones who say "w00t"!
We own our tears and our blood!
We are the thorn in Bill's foot!

- With sincere apologies to Rudyard Kipling.

PS

cnfgl_pubzcre@ubgznvy.pbz

(yes, I know, all that MS bashing and I use their email service...)

OpenJava Compiling

99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.

Abort Retry Ignore (with apologies to Edgar Allen Poe)

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing.
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world is wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Old but amusing (hopefully)

Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.

naql.bezfol@tznvy.pbz

Vi joke

I confess to have made this one up myself, it's bad.

So, I live in York, the old Viking city of Jorvik and the only City I know to have removed Vi from itself.
arvyzhaeb@tznvy.pbz

This is THE joke!!

It's already a joke, that people are willing to pay (through their necks) for crap software, where they can get the best, for free!!!

Linuxy hardware

So I went into this electronics store and picked up a nifty little open source hardware kit that I'd read about in Linux Format. Taking it to the checkout I asked the girls "do you think this will keep me occupied over the Christmas break?", they gave me a quizzical look and replied "Arduino" (How do we know?).

crgre@crgreoenqfunj.zr.hx

Can't offer a joke, so how about a slogan?

This is inspired by a certain airline but is probably true as well:

Linux, the world's favourite operating system.

oehab.pnaavat@qfy.cvcrk.pbz

Why use Linux?

Why do I use Linux?
What other reason is there to grow a beard?
rntyrfarfgbar@yvir.pbz.nh

How to buy

wbuaqjlre1983@tznvy.pbz

If you want to be productive get linux
If you want to play games get windows
If you like shiny things, get a mac.

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