LXF stickers and fridge magnets up for grabs
Posted at 5:32pm on Wednesday November 9th 2011
We're having a bit of a clear-out here at LXF Towers, and we've come across some goodies to give away. We have three sheets of stickers (readers loved these) and six boxes of fridge magnets. If you fancy some of these goodies, simply leave your best Linux joke in the comments below (tasteful, please!) and we'll choose the best in a week or so. Please also leave your email address in ROT13 format (to avoid spambots) so that we can contact winners for their addresses.
Go on -- make us laugh!
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Your comments
Ubuntu is a mystical African
EarthlyPangaea (not verified) - November 9, 2011 @ 6:20pm
Ubuntu is a mystical African word which means "I can't configure Debian".
farnyba89@tzk.pbz
Gnome sweet Gnome
Psyckers (not verified) - November 9, 2011 @ 6:37pm
A penguin is drinking at the bar when the barman says to him it is time to go home.
Penguin says he does not under stand that command.
So the barman says "sudu home.exe"
Penguin goes "Oh Gnome sweet Gnome".
Service Pack
N74JW (not verified) - November 9, 2011 @ 6:41pm
Linux, the ultimate Windows service pack.
PulseAudio. hb@hbbh.vasb
Spangwiches (not verified) - November 9, 2011 @ 6:59pm
PulseAudio.
hb@hbbh.vasb
joke
heiowge (not verified) - November 9, 2011 @ 7:21pm
Microsoft gives you Windows... Linux gives you the whole house.
another bad joke
heiowge (again) (not verified) - November 9, 2011 @ 7:24pm
How many Richard Stallmans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. He refuses to change it until it is acknowledged as GNU/Lightbulb.
forgot my email address
heiowge (yet again) (not verified) - November 9, 2011 @ 7:25pm
jvyc4n@ubgznvy.pb.hx
Larsen
Viktor Basso (not verified) - November 9, 2011 @ 7:27pm
This is the story about Larsen.
Larsen had been using Windows since 95, playing Tomb Raider 2 on his P1 166mhz without mmx. His father updated the system to Windows 98, and Larsen got sad. It seems the game did not run so well on a 98. So Larsen upgraded is CD-ROM to a 16x, which enabled him to play Tomb Raider 2.
Years went with Larsens love for Tomb Raider 2, and so did his knowledge of Windows, at this time he is running Windows XP on his system, which he built himself. Larsen always talked about computer parts and computer games to show his knowledge to his friends.
Larsen deems himself a Computer Expert, he is running Vista on a custom made computer, always helping friends with blue problems and computer hardware.
Larsen stars working in a firm, that runs a lot of Windows Server 2003 computers, he is proud of his jobb, he knows the system so well he can fix any print spooler problems he encounters at help desk, installing servers goes quiet fast and he even remembers the license code.
Now Larsen wants to get a higher education so he can get better paid, and Larsen started at a University.
At the beginning Larsen always talked about computer hardware, games and how good the next windows version was going to be. He had some friends that shared the same enthusiasm, but only some.
The rest of the class had simple laptops, always running a black window with green text. Larsen did not know what this was, so he went up to his fellow classmate, sat besides him and started a friendly conversation.
"Hey!, i just got my new laptop, it's the brand new Eizor 15 inch with 1080p screen and quad core intel core i5 with 8 gb of ram", Larsen ranted.
His classmate shifted his view and looked at his computer, smiled a little and replied.
"It must be quit heavy to drag around, whats the battery life on that blocky beast?"
Larsen was not getting the praise he had gotten from his friends, he looked surprised at his classmate and replied.
" Battery life is not essential, i need it to play my games at max fps".
He then looked at the classmates computer, which was a simple "JP" and most likely a couple of years old.
"Do you even play games on that thing?, it probably has integrated graphics and other shitty parts!"
The other students started laughing out loud in the room, and Larsen felt very good on his counter comment. Little did he know that it was not why they were laughing.
His classmate felt bad about the laugh, so he tired to explain the reason for his computer.
"Most of us have an old laptop, and some of the new ones we buy aren't really made for gaming. Most of us don't even play games on our laptops anyways".
Larsen was surprised, and continued to listen to his explanation.
"We use our computers to study, we don't need a quad core to compile java, or to write essays or project reports. As long a the hardware is not hard to get running on Debian and has battery life and a nice screen resolution, that is most likely the computer i will buy".
Larsen was surprised, he had never though of a computer that way, it was always about performance and fame with his friends.
"Debian?" Larsen asked.
His fellow student showed Larsen his computer, "Debian is an Operating System....".
As his fellow student explained what is was, and showed how it worked, Larsen was intrigued by a free software world.
Larsen spent the entire weekend playing with Debian, even getting help from fellow students at his dorm.
Larsen now runs Debian, he has his own server and is also on irc.
Larsen is now a civilized person, he never brags out his computer skills and he always helps people if they ask.
Larsen still cries himself to sleep, remembering who he once were.
The End.
Cheers, My favorite Linux
Bob (not verified) - November 9, 2011 @ 8:00pm
Cheers,
My favorite Linux jokes have always been the command line jokes:
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ]
% got a light?
No match
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man: : Too many arguments
% sh $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
and one I saw on a tee-shirt:
If you look through windows you can see what people are doing. If you try to look through a penguin it will bite you.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't
--Bob
ewjvypbk@tznvy.pbz
Consulting Rule One
stan_qaz (not verified) - November 9, 2011 @ 9:10pm
First rule of computer consulting:
Sell a customer a Linux computer and you'll eat for a day.
Sell a customer a Windows computer and you'll eat for a lifetime.
Just sums it up
mcc80 (not verified) - November 9, 2011 @ 9:57pm
Computers are like Air Conditioners, they stop working when you open Windows.
Who would you eat with?
petescan321 (not verified) - November 9, 2011 @ 11:18pm
The other day they asked me: "Who would eat with Pete?"
I replied: "Gandhi."
My friend said: "why?"
I replied: "More food for me."
- Petescan321
E-mail: petescan321@yahoo.com
I do this everyday!
Hammeh (not verified) - November 10, 2011 @ 12:13am
My daily command list:
wine; talk; touch; unzip; touch; strip; gasp; finger; gasp; mount; fsck; more; yes; gasp; umount; make clean; sleep
I joke of course :P
rnfvyl.erzrzorerq@lnubb.pb.hx
Windows 7 - $89 OSX -
Jellyman - November 10, 2011 @ 3:47am
Windows 7 - $89
OSX - $69
GNU/Linux - Priceless.
pqfnaqoebbx@tznvy.pbz
Wigwam
Roman (not verified) - November 10, 2011 @ 9:04am
Linux is like a wigwam: No gates, no windows, and an apache inside!
rspirgi@gmail.com
More Command Line humour
Blackisle (not verified) - November 10, 2011 @ 9:14am
$ touch this
touch: cannot touch `this': Permission denied
blackisle@gmail.com
Still true 27 years later
sbinetd (not verified) - November 10, 2011 @ 11:20am
If the designers of X-Windows built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful feature, that.
Oh god forget the email
sbinetd (not verified) - November 10, 2011 @ 11:21am
cngevpxzpqbabhtu@yninovg.pbz
My original (inspired by the above):
timon37 (not verified) - November 10, 2011 @ 12:18pm
If the designers of X-Windows built cars, you'd remote control it which would cause significant lag resulting in some crashes, any car could lock the entire road, and *you* wouldn't actually get anywhere... ever...
gvzba32@tznvy.pbz
correction, sry
timon37 (not verified) - November 10, 2011 @ 12:20pm
"could lock the" make that "could block the"
I've read these jokes, none
CalamityJane (not verified) - November 10, 2011 @ 2:05pm
I've read these jokes, none is funny, one is too long to read. So what do you say about that, isn't that funny as hell?
make love ?
RoBertK (not verified) - November 10, 2011 @ 2:13pm
$make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
Robert
eboregxbqevp@ubgznvy.pbz
Mr
Gustav (not verified) - November 10, 2011 @ 7:48pm
I talked to a lady who´s in charge for the servers of a hospital which hosts 40 000 clients. So i asked her, "Do you use any Linux OS?"
"We use Microsoft OS and software she said"
"Well Linux is a great OS i said and excellent for servers i said."
She then asks me, "But can Linux do what MS can?" Looking very doubtfull.
I replied, "It can, and more."
-- Working with that kind of infrastructure and not being aware of Linux.
Keep the stickers, i´m only in it for the jokes :)
Very acidic
Diggy (not verified) - November 10, 2011 @ 9:53pm
I saw this the other day. Not Linux specific, but close enough:
"There are two major products to come out of Berkeley, LSD and UNIX. We do not believe this to be a coincidence."
In Sweden - MicrosoftLand -
Ola Engström (not verified) - November 10, 2011 @ 10:12pm
In Sweden - MicrosoftLand - during the long dark winternights you can hear the Windows server rebooting and rebooting while you hear the forlorn wailings of the service techs
revx-b.ratfgebz@gryvn.pbz
Re: In Sweden - MicrosoftLand
Some Random Penguin (not verified) - November 11, 2011 @ 12:12am
Er, that isn't a joke. In fact, most of these aren't jokes at all, just half-assed Microsoft bashing. And pretty dated too, like everyone was running Windows Me or something.
Up for Grabs
heiowge (not verified) - November 11, 2011 @ 7:57am
It's an amazing coincidence that Mike's leaving and some stickers and magnets turn up...
I wonder what else will turn up in his drawer...
He hasn't got Lord Lucan in there has he?
That could be done with so many FOSS Software ;)
torwag (not verified) - November 11, 2011 @ 9:26am
A: Which editor do you use VIM or Emacs?
B: Emacs!
A: Great me too, XEmacs or GNU/Emacs?
B: GNU/Emacs
A: Heeey like me, GNU/Emacs with GTK or GNU/Emacs nox?
B: GTK
A: Whoaaa great buddy,me too, GNU/Emacs 22 with GTK or GNU/Emacs 23 with GTK?
B: 23!
A: Heeey what a coincidence, lets have some beer later! GNU/Emacs 23.2 with GTK or GNU/Emacs 23.3 with GTK?
B: 23.3
A: Unbelievable, like me, you don't have a sister have you!!! GNU/Emacs 23.3.0 with GTK or GNU/Emacs 23.3.1 with GTK
B: 23.3.1
A: How nice is that, we should definitely think about sharing an apartment buddy !!! GNU/Emacs 23.3.1 with GTK based on the distribution repository or GNU/Emacs 23.3.1 with GTK based on Bazaar repository
B: distribution repository
A: WHAT !!!! DAMN BETRAYER, BACKSTABBER, WANNABE LINUX USER....F*CK OFF
gbggvjntare@jro.qr
Penguins at the petrolstation
drThreadshot (not verified) - November 11, 2011 @ 11:20am
The other day when stopping for petrol. I saw a car next to me with two penguins in the back seat. The owner of the car was in front of me, in line at the cash register. And I wanted to say something about this obvious wrong situation... so I adressed him.
Me:
"Are those penguins yours?"
Man:
"Yes"
Me:
"Don't you think it's wrong to keep em in your car like that? You should take them to the zoo!"
Man:
"I guess you're right, I think I will do just that, thanks."
I felt good about myself, helping those poor penguins out. A couple of days later, at the same petrolstation. I see the same car with again(!) the two penguins in the back. Only this this time they are wearing sunglasses.
I look for the man, and adress him offcourse.
Me:
"Hey man, I thought you took the penguins to the zoo last week?!"
Man:
"I did! And today we're going to the beach!"
----------------------
guernqfubg@zr.pbz
Operating System Requirements
Mootka-Penguin (not verified) - November 12, 2011 @ 1:29am
So, I was reading the software/hardware requirements that were listed for this program I downloaded one day. For the OS requirements it read "Must have Windows Vista or better". So of course I installed Linux!
fibaqenf@tznvy.pbz
Bloatware
DaveS - November 12, 2011 @ 7:23am
Obesity... genetic code by Microsoft?
found /home
Johan B (not verified) - November 12, 2011 @ 9:52am
I allwais loved the simplicity of this one:
/home - sweet /home
wbuna.ohqu@tznvy.pbz
Recovery Disks
Darwin Survivor (not verified) - November 12, 2011 @ 9:54am
Why do windows computers no longer come with recovery disks?
Because Canonical mails them for free.
qnejvafheivibe@tznvy.pbz
no way
Thundaboom (not verified) - November 12, 2011 @ 8:21pm
Paying RHEL $70,000 a year because you are too lazy to run yum update.
Binary
ewonyy71@tznvy.pbz (not verified) - November 13, 2011 @ 1:31am
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those that understand binary and those that don't.
User
newsman (not verified) - November 13, 2011 @ 8:31am
User error!
hzneunsrrm27@tznvy.pbz
A Penguin, a Gnome...
Penguin73 (not verified) - November 13, 2011 @ 3:04pm
A penguin, a gnome and a gimp walk into a bar...
"Three pints of bitter, please" says the penguin.
The drinks arrive and the three start downing them straight away.
"That'll be £7.50 please" says the barman.
"You're round, Richard" says the penguin turning to the gnome.
"What?" says the gnome, "haven't you heard of 'free as in beer'?"
penguin73@hmamail.com
Obviously any similarity to any person living or dead is unintentional!
Hello my name is........
ProChefSean (not verified) - November 13, 2011 @ 4:06pm
Hello My name is Steve
....Hi Steve
I came to this 12 step program because i did something dirty & deceitful that i can never forgive myself for...what i did hurt famlily alienated friends & makes it hard for me to face myself in the morning.
....Oh dear god Steve what did you do
Well...in 1999 i bought a copy of Corel Linux...i feel so ashamed.
Home
minond (not verified) - November 14, 2011 @ 5:35am
~ sweet ~
zvabaq.znepbf@tznvy.pbz
A Pict^H^H^H^HGeek Song
Pastychomper - November 14, 2011 @ 10:49am
Bill never looks where he treads,
Always his heavy hooves fall
On our floppies, our hearts or our heads;
And Bill never heeds when we bawl.
His OEMs buy – that is all,
And we gather our kernels in hordes,
And patch and recompile them all,
With only our mice for our swords.
We are the Linux Folk – we!
Too little to love or to hate.
Leave us alone and you'll see
How Unix and freedom relate!
We have no worms 'neath our hood!
We are the ones who have root!
We own our tears and our blood!
We are the thorn in Bill's foot!
Mistletoe killing an oak –
Rats gnawing cables in two –
Moths making holes in a cloak –
How they must love what they do!
Yes – and we Linux Folk too,
We are as busy as they –
Writing our source in plain view –
Watch, and you'll run it some day!
No indeed! We are not strong,
But we know servers that are.
Yes, and we'll help them along,
To stay up and do what they're for!
We shan't be slaves to your game,
Users should never be slaves,
But you – you may rant, troll and flame,
Till some day we'll dance on your graves!
We are the Linux Folk – we!
Too little to love or to hate.
Leave us alone and you'll see
How Unix and freedom relate!
We have no worms 'neath our hood!
We are the ones who say "w00t"!
We own our tears and our blood!
We are the thorn in Bill's foot!
- With sincere apologies to Rudyard Kipling.
PS
Pastychomper - November 14, 2011 @ 10:53am
cnfgl_pubzcre@ubgznvy.pbz
(yes, I know, all that MS bashing and I use their email service...)
OpenJava Compiling
John Dwyer (not verified) - November 16, 2011 @ 12:43am
99 little bugs in the code,
99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.
Abort Retry Ignore (with apologies to Edgar Allen Poe)
johndwyer1983@gmail.com (not verified) - November 16, 2011 @ 12:46am
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing.
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world is wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Old but amusing (hopefully)
AndyOops (not verified) - November 16, 2011 @ 9:53am
Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.
naql.bezfol@tznvy.pbz
Vi joke
niadh (not verified) - November 16, 2011 @ 6:00pm
I confess to have made this one up myself, it's bad.
So, I live in York, the old Viking city of Jorvik and the only City I know to have removed Vi from itself.
arvyzhaeb@tznvy.pbz
This is THE joke!!
casperjjordaan - November 16, 2011 @ 8:15pm
It's already a joke, that people are willing to pay (through their necks) for crap software, where they can get the best, for free!!!
Linuxy hardware
Flingel Bunt (not verified) - November 16, 2011 @ 8:43pm
So I went into this electronics store and picked up a nifty little open source hardware kit that I'd read about in Linux Format. Taking it to the checkout I asked the girls "do you think this will keep me occupied over the Christmas break?", they gave me a quizzical look and replied "Arduino" (How do we know?).
crgre@crgreoenqfunj.zr.hx
Can't offer a joke, so how about a slogan?
Bruno (not verified) - November 17, 2011 @ 5:20pm
This is inspired by a certain airline but is probably true as well:
Linux, the world's favourite operating system.
oehab.pnaavat@qfy.cvcrk.pbz
Why use Linux?
Eages (not verified) - November 18, 2011 @ 4:14pm
Why do I use Linux?
What other reason is there to grow a beard?
rntyrfarfgbar@yvir.pbz.nh
How to buy
John Dwyer (not verified) - November 19, 2011 @ 5:55am
wbuaqjlre1983@tznvy.pbz
If you want to be productive get linux
If you want to play games get windows
If you like shiny things, get a mac.
An oldie
Tux Dave (not verified) - November 20, 2011 @ 2:50pm
Why did the penguin cross the road?
Because he favoured freedom.
Winners Decided!
jon - November 22, 2011 @ 3:34pm
We've decided on our winners, so we'll be getting in touch with them and sending stickers/magnets in the post soon.
Thanks for all the jokes! We've enjoyed reading them and been overwhelmed by the response :-)
The Joke's on Me
FredPenguin (not verified) - November 23, 2011 @ 2:08am
...because I'm too late to win the stickers. Anyway, I hack the hardware to make my own stickers: cut pictures out of the mag, and glue them to A4 label sheets.
See, a real geek always looks after No. 0.
You should use Linux because the money you save on software can be spent on magazines.
With that said, I'd best vanish without a trace:--
#!/bin/bash
rm -f $0
I think not!
René Descartes (not verified) - November 24, 2011 @ 3:16pm
Remover
Penguins Anonymous (not verified) - November 30, 2011 @ 6:41pm
A Polish man moved from Poland to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I'm always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: Polish Remover.... gedit..??
lnavpx@gnyx21.pbz
New to Linux
Linuxnewbie (nfujvwfurabl@tznvy.pbz) (not verified) - January 2, 2012 @ 6:47pm
Hey all, am new to linux n am just gonna be doing my first installation. In case u people are wondering why i am here-
I may be new to linux but know windows since long enough to joke about it and believe me, every new edition is a joke which can do less or same with more and more hardware.
Where did all the penguins go
Brandon (not verified) - January 26, 2012 @ 6:05pm
A Classic:
#1: Make me a sandwich.
#2: No.
#1: sudo, make me a sandwich.
#2: OK
oenaqba@oenaqbao.pn
cartman's linux christmas song
telcnas (not verified) - November 27, 2012 @ 4:47am
here is a little window that's small and made of apps
but I’m not gonna play with it because windows fucking crap..
grypanf@tznvy.pbz
southpark = ospark
telcnas (not verified) - November 27, 2012 @ 4:54am
cartman = linux
stan = unix
kyle = mac
kenny = windows
poor kenny....
hoho....haha....hihi
grypanf@tznvy.pbz
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